CURMUDGEON REPORT #7

by Rubenchito

Headline of a local newspaper article:

“Seat belt law, tax on mileage called excessive”

 

I don’t know how I got t’ such a silly state. I s’pose on account uh readin’ the “StarTrib” pages just before puttin’ um in Socrates cage. Anyhow, nowadays, he often pouts if I don’t read ’im the articles before they line his cage bottom. Socrates is sorta like my ex-wife, ya can’t win; he started poutin’ soon’s I read ’im uh article: Seat belt law, tax on mileage called excessive – thought he should have a seat belt on his swing. Even crackers couldn’t crack his funk … wasn’t til I asked him if he wanted cops to bust in here, every time he forgot t’ buckle-up, and haul his feathered backside off t’ jail, that he quit his sulkin’.

I could do a lotta sulkin’ too – but about that tax on mileage some uh them legis late your folks is suggestin.’ Some “Big Brothers” would be keeping track uh practically everywhere I drove. What if wasn’ t’ their likin?’ Like visitin’ Uncle Morton at his rifle camp out t’ his farm. Would we get called a corn-spiracy and throwed in jail fer plottin’ t’ overthrow the Minnesota Gophers? Criminy, next thing ya know is a tax on walkin’. Take a Sunday afternoon stroll around Lake Harriet for fifteen cents – just uh nickel uh mile. But you know how that goes, somethin’ like property taxes. It’ud be a nickel this year and just a few cents more next year, an’ then watch out! In a few years the lake would be near deserted; only rich folks could afford t walk around it. An’ then, I suppose, somebody like a big department store millionaire would be uh lobbin’ t’ make um pay extra. People ud quit walkin’, an’ the shoe sellers ud be up-in-arms. Antiperspirant sales ud fall. All them unintended con-se-quences ud come home t’ roost. Mileage tax could re-duce tire sales. Service stations might go outta business an’ their suppliers suffer as a re-zult of uh mileage tax – plenty uh unin tended con-se-quences there.

On top uh that, accordin’ t’ the article, some MnDOT o fish shill wants t’ continue studyin’ on the tax per mile proposal on account uh they already got a bunch uh money in-vested in the study – he claims they should in-vest (guess that means spend) more t’ finish up their studyin’. That’s throwin’ good money after bad money. Probably don’t seem like real money t’ them beer cratic boys what’s in the Highway Department. S’pose, to them it’s not real money, just tax dollars – which is only real t’ folks like me … the ones payin’ it. The more I think on this, the more I’m gonna take a tip from Socrates. Votin’ don’t seem t’ help none. Like caged parrots, sulkin’ is about all us poor taxpayers is got left.

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